Middle Eastern airline comparison (economy): Etihad, Qatar, Emirates

UPDATE: Well, over a week ago, Emirates, the so-called best airline in the world, mutilated my suitcase and promised that someone would come by the next day to fix it. After I didn't hear from them, I emailed them and was told it might take a few weeks, as there have been a lot of damaged bags lately. The big airlines really don't feel they need to do anything for the economy customers, do they?

If you're making the trek between Europe and Asia for cheap, chances are you're thinking about taking one of the gulf state carriers. The big three are Etihad Airways, Qatar Airways, and Emirates.
(Notice that all of them except Emirates have "Airways" in the title, because Emirates knows you know who they are. So suave.) As of this week, I have flown each of the three airlines from the UK to Bangkok at least once, so here's my review, from worst to best. Each one has a stopover in the Middle East, which can be short or long enough to visit, depending.

Worst: Etihad. Flying Etihad is fine. It gets you from A to B. But it sure ain't a good time. I've flown them twice now (well, one round-trip), and they just pack you in there like sardines - without a low price to match. Some of their planes are clearly packing in 10 people into a 9-person-wide row, such that even I, with my narrow ladyshoulders, am literally touching my shoulders against a stranger's shoulders the entire time. This sucks for a 14-18 hour flight (with stopover). The space issue, uncomfortable seats, and tiny, kind of unclean bathrooms, make this pretty unpleasant.

Food: They feed you with some frequency, and the food is fine, but not impressive.
Movies: The movie selection is OK, but is sort of like going through your cousin's DVD collection. There are probably a couple movies you want to see, but it's not exactly a smorgasbord. When I flew, my touchscreen was glitchy and kept skipping around the movie. They also play like ten minutes of annoying ads every time you start a new movie or TV episode, which is pretty annoying when you're trying to watch a 20-minute episode of something. The screens are small.
Sleepability: I couldn't sleep much, even when I had the row to myself.
Free tour/stopover? No. Stopover is in Abu Dhabi.

Middle: Qatar. Flying Qatar is fine, and the bathrooms are kind of nice, wood or wood-looking floors, I like wood-looking floors, and the doors don't always squash you against the toilet when you're walking in, and they're cleaner. Seats are way less cramped than Etihad.

Food: They feed you about the same as the others, and the food is fine.
Movies: The movie selection didn't stand out to me, and I kind of forget. I think it was reasonable. They play an annoying amount of ads, though, like Etihad.
Sleepability: I couldn't sleep much.

Free tour/stopover? Yes! This is a very big draw. I have not been able to take it yet, but Qatar Airways offers a free tour (complete with a free visa) of Doha if your layover is over 5 hours. It's easy to book a layover of over 5 hours, so this is great!

Best: Emirates. Flying Emirates is great...until you get off the plane! The plane looks big and airy (ha, air, because it flies in the air), and the seats are actually comfortable. It's just a pleasant time. The bathrooms on the plane I took weren't as delightful as on the one Qatar plane with nice bathrooms, but c'est la vie. We did have about 1-2 hours of delays, but I feel like this happens to everyone regardless of the airline. However, when I went to pick up my bag, I found it just demolished; there is no reason for luggage to ever be that beat up. When I went to baggage services, they took down my info and said someone would contact me to come by and fix it at 2 PM the next day, but I didn't hear from anyone and had to call them myself, and it also doesn't look fixable. There were also delays on not one but both legs of the journey, as well as delays in landing and getting off the plane. It was a busy travel day, but still.

Food: They feed you about the same as the others, but the food is good! Very good! My sticky toffee pudding was a great experience all around.
Movies: Wow! Movies! So many movies, and so many movies that I want to see! And big screens! And minimal ads! But I didn't get to watch many movies, because...
Sleepability: I slept so much! I was lucky enough to get almost the whole row to myself, and the seats are so comfy! Sleeping lying down! Sleeping sitting down! Sleeping leaning! All kinds of sleep!
Free tour/stopover? No, but they do offer kind of expensive tours of Dubai.

So there you have it! My personal reviews of each of the big three gulf carriers. Comment with your own experiences!