Pattaya: Bangkok's disgusting beach getaway (and how to make it awesome)

Ah, Pattaya. What is it about Pattaya that is so appealing? The sweet smell of exhaust from countless boats as I walk along the trash-strewn beach? The tiny strip of sand between the vendors and the water? The hundreds of dead, washed-up jellyfish? The constant calls and grabbing hands of locals trying to sell me overpriced touristy gimmicks I don't want?

No, really. What is it about Pattaya that is so appealing?


Pattaya is primarily known for two things: its beach and its red light district. I walked along a good portion of the beach - including the so-called "nicer" Jomtien Beach - and found it shockingly gross. There are a million people trying to take you jet-skiing, speedboating, parasailing (maybe?) and all sorts of things, but that kind of uncontrolled touristy stuff has polluted the beach to high heaven, and there must be nicer places to do those activities in a less eco-toxic way. So, I guess it's really famous for the red light district.

If you've never been to a sandy beach before, I guess going to Pattaya could be fun; if you've ever been to the beach before, I can't imagine how you would have fun on the beach. There are beaches a bit further south in Rayong that are supposedly nice, and the island of Koh Chang, a few hours south, is positively paradisical. (Paradisaical? Paradisial?)

That said, if you feel you just have to check it out, here's my guide to having a heck of a time in Pattaya, off the beach.

1. Hop off the bus and walk or taxi a couple km down the highway to Mini Siam, tourist attraction extraordinaire! Pose with the crappy plastic Statue of Liberty, Eiffel Tower, and London Bridge! Then actually go to the good part, which is a positively inspired miniature version of all the landmarks in Thailand.

Cost for non-Thais: 300 thb

2. Walk over to Tea Village and sample all the teas. Chill in their back-room tearoom or buy some delicious teas! I'm not a tea person, but these were top-notch. Many of these are from Thai tea plantations in the North of the country, which is pretty cool.

3. Put on your fancy clothes and take a taxi or bus down for a fancy dinner at Cafe des Amis. This place is so fancy, they even put your napkin in your lap for you. When you get up, they put the napkin over your chair arm. And entrees only cost like $15. They even brought us a free appetizer, and it was some kind of mussel with creamy cheesy sauce; I usually hate seafood, but this was insaaaanely good. Do not miss this restaurant! It's absurdly cheap for this type of place.

4. If it's within your budget, stay at the Green Park Resort. It's near the beach, and is rated as one of the best hotels for your money. A room is $35 (a couple dollars more breakfast, which is a pretty reasonable buffet), and the place is lovely. It has a private jungle that you walk through to get to your bungalow or building. We passed a monkey on our way to the pool. It was chill. We were chill. If that isn't about as legit as it gets, I don't know what is. The pool is also gorgeous. It has a swim-up bar! You can go to the bar in the pool. I didn't know I could be in love with a pool, but I sure am. This is the kind of resort people pay hundreds of dollars a night for, and it's way better than the beach.

Aaand that's it! I'd say Cafe des Amis alone is worth the trip down to Pattaya, so have fun!